Air Konstantiniyye

Lights fade in to reveal table center stage. At table two microphones are set up. Seated at the table facing the audience are EZIO and YUSUF. YUSUF picks a sheet of paper on the desk and reads into the microphone.

YUSUF
(preppy) Gooooood morning, Konstantiniyye! It is now six-oh-four and that wonderful Turkish sun is just beginning to rise. Weather is looking solid for today, blue skies, partly cloudy, with absolutely no chance of rain for six months!

EZIO
(continues from YUSUF, preppy but obviously exhausted) No traffic out on the roads yet, but better watch where you park your donkeys and carriages- local heralds have been complaining of 'undesirable and fine-inducing smells' placed next to their corners of work.

YUSUF
In other news, the Brotherhood has greatly prospered in the way that my American peanut butter finally arrived after two weeks stranded in a German airport for being a 'substance that could not be identified'.

EZIO
(puts down paper and gives YUSUF a stare)

YUSUF
(innocent) What?

EZIO
(clears throat and raises paper again) Prince Suleiman, son of Prince Selim, has issued yet another statement this morning claiming that for the last time, he was not hurt in the incident that took place at Topkapi Palace last month.

YUSUF
(undertone) For those who don't know, the Prince was assaulted at a cultural exposition he was hosting. Apparently, he was saved by an Italian minstrel and his incredibly skilled (and attractive) companion. Tarik Barleti, the Janissary Corps' current leader, is still paying a reward to any who will bring these two in for questioning.

EZIO
(yawns) Aaaand it is now six-oh-six, and Constantinople is still quiet as ever.

YUSUF
(agreeing) Yup, pretty quiet.

EZIO
(rests chin in palm, lids drop closed) So quiet…

YUSUF
(kicks EZIO awake under table. EZIO yelps and bolts up as YUSUF begins) A woman in the South Imperial District filed complaints to the watch yesterday about Byzantine thugs vandalizing her property.

EZIO
(quickly sifts through papers) The woman claims the vandalism contained "severe, offensive, and downright disturbing comments on the appearance and parentage of a man named 'Yusuf Tazim'".

YUSUF
(places his script on table and stares at EZIO. Deadpan) I didn't hear that.

EZIO
(really?) No? It happened just last night. The Ottoman police already disturbed pictures to the local newspaper.

YUSUF
(leans over, cautious) Did you, er…Happen to catch any of the statements themselves?

EZIO
(shakes head) No, I just found the story online. Why?  

YUSUF
(stands abruptly, glaring stage right) I'll be right back.

YUSUF exits stage right.

EZIO
(stunned) Well…

Phone suddenly rings. EZIO perks up.

EZIO
(excited) A caller!

EZIO reaches under table and pulls out wired cell phone. Presses button and WOMAN's voice crackles into the air.

WOMAN
Hello? Hello, is this AAConstantinopoli?

EZIO
(Grinning) You're on the air, signora.

WOMAN
(laughs) Oh, goodness! Well, um…I…er…I forgot what I called for. It's so nerve-wracking, going public like this!

EZIO
(Slightly disappointed) Don't worry. I'm sure if you stick around a few moments, it'll come to you. Pretend it's just you and me on the phone, eh?

WOMAN
Ok, ok.

EZIO
(leans back) So, caller no.1, tell us a bit about yourself.

WOMAN
(giggles) Well, my name is Rana, and I live in the North Imperial District, and my husband is an Assassin and my brother-in-law is a Byzantine.

EZIO
Is that a problem for you sometimes?

WOMAN
Well it makes family reunions awkward.

EZIO
I can imagine…

WOMAN
(prattling) You know, I'll have all the women in one room, and we'll all get together just fine, and I'll be like 'omg, had to clean all the bloodstains out of Fahin's robes last night', and Shamar's wife will be like 'omg me too, Shamar killed like fifteen Assassins' and we'll all laugh. Then I'll step into the other room and the two of them will be at each other's throats using my cake testers as deadly weapons.

EZIO
Oh.

WOMAN
Yeah, it's a bit of an issue. But we get around it, because that's what families do.

EZIO
Perhaps you remember why it was you called now…?

WOMAN
Oh, yes! Last week, your other host, what's his name…

EZIO
YUSUF, you mean?

WOMAN
Yeah, him. He hosted a raffle and I won it.

EZIO
And?

WOMAN
And I didn't get anything.

EZIO
So, you're calling to complain about a raffle in which the prizes were never made clear?

WOMAN
Oh they were made clear. I just didn't get anything.

YUSUF enters suddenly, stage right. He is clearly upset.

YUSUF
(slaps on headphones angrily) I don't believe it. I am gonna kick some serious Byzantine ass and then go vandalize the fuck out of their Den.

EZIO
(carefully) YUSUF, we-

YUSUF
(not finished) And you know what I'm gonna write? Byzantine whores can all suck-

EZIO
(interrupts loudly) YUSUF, we have a caller!

YUSUF
Eh?

WOMAN
You owe me fifteen thousand akce and a private jet.

YUSUF
(hastily hits the 'end call' button on the phone)

EZIO
(disbelief) Have you been offering our audience private jets…?

YUSUF
(defense) I didn't think anyone was actually listening!

EZIO
(not buyin it) Did you actually make any money with that raffle?

YUSUF
(nervously) perhaaaaaaps…

EZIO
(pissed) well, what happened to it?

YUSUF
(quiet) It…escaped. To the mountains.

EZIO
(glare)

YUSUF
(clears throat and quickly picks up script) And it is now six-twelve in Istanbul, the morning commute is just picking up and-

Both look up suddenly as studio door is blown off its hinges. CESARE steps into room, cloak billowing in wind.

CESARE
(adjusts sunglasses) Sup bitches.

EZIO
D:

YUSUF
(stands, frowning) Hey! There is only enough room in this studio for ONE smexy beard, arkadashim!

Ezio
(my beard isn't smexy?)

CESARE
Deal with it.

YUSUF
(glares epically until sparks and daggers are literally flying through the air between characters)

EZIO
(dodges stray dagger) Ehi, watch it with those! You could put an eye out!

Attention shifts to table and phone rings again. EZIO dives to answer, just barely making it as YUSUF and CESARE pile on top of him.

EZIO
Yes?

SOFIA
EZIO, this is your phone, right?

EZIO
(realizing his grave error) Yes but-

SOFIA
Oh good. I was afraid I'd put in the wrong number, and then you weren't answering before and, mio Dio it's so stressful.

EZIO
SOFIA, this is my phone but-

SOFIA
I just wanted you to know that I'm not going to be at the bookstore for a while, because the Grand Bazaar's having a seventy-five percent off hour and I've got coupons.

EZIO
That's great honey but-

SOFIA
There's some food in the fridge, and I'll need you to pick up Flavia and Marcello from school-

EZIO
SOFIA STOP. THOSE ARE KIDS WE HAVEN'T EVEN HAD YET. >:T

YUSUF
(out of corner of mouth to CESARE) Is he aware that the entire city is hearing this?

CESARE
I feel I've missed something important. (shrugs) I just came to fine him up the ass for all those songs he wrote about me.

YUSUF
(deadpan) Trust me, enough people have already suffered because of his music.

EZIO
Alright, alright. I love you too. Bye.  

ALTAIR
WHAT SORCERY-

MARIA
Hey, can you guys play 'stereo heart'? No one ever plays that.

YUSUF
First of all, every radio station on Earth has been playing that constantly for the past five months. Secondly, how are you people getting in here?

ALTAIR
You've got no door. We just walked in.

CESARE
(back on track) EZIO Auditore! We have some unfinished business!

EZIO
Indeed, mio principe.

Everyone tenses as the two prepare to duke it out. CESARE whips cape out behind him dramatically and EZIO brandishes hidden blades.

CESARE
(pulls out clipboard and peers at it) Soooo…Why don't we split it eighty-twenty?

EZIO
Seventy-thirty.

CESARE
That's highway robbery.

EZIO
Hey man, I WROTE, PRODUCED, and PUBLICIZED the songs SIMULTANEAOUSLY. All you did was die. Theoretically speaking, of course.

CESARE
…Fine… (he signs something on clipboard)

ALTAIR
God, isn't someone going to offer us a drink or something?

Phone rings again. YUSUF answers while EZIO and CESARE conclude their business.

YUSUF
Yes?

AHMET
RAWR. ASSASSINS. I'VE BEEN LISTENING TO YOUR CHANNEL, AND I'M NOT AMUSED.

YUSUF
Oh lawd, you're the one who vandalized that lady's house.

AHMET
YES. RAWR.

YUSUF
OH IT'S ON NOW. (slams phone down, despite pressing the 'end call' button afterwards) EVERYONE, TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL!

MARIA
FUCK YEAH.

LEONARDO
I see I got here a bit late.

EZIO
(somehow on phone with SOFIA despite phone never ringing) I know, I know! Don't worry so much, everything will be fine! Besides, it was just a minor sprain. I'm sure Marcello's teacher will be- no, they can't charge a five-year-old for that. No. Flavia's performance isn't until Tuesday-

YUSUF
(horrified) I WILL NEVER GET MARRIED.

ALTAIR
It's not so bad. You just need to know when's the right moment to escape. 'Altair, I'm having the girls over, would you mind-' 'UHH, THE APPLE. IT…IT CALLS TO ME'. You know.

YUSUF
Teach me in your ways, oh wise mentor.

EZIO
(dazed) It costs how much?!

ME
OAAAATMEEEEEEEAAAAL.

-0-

It was amazing. The end.